sparr: (Default)
2025-01-23 05:18 pm

Life Situation Status Update

Here's an update on the state of various major situations affecting my life.


The Estate of Mind intentional community coliving project ended late last year. I tried to find a way for some subset of the community members to stick together in the dorm and pine house, operating on a smaller scale after the loss of the manor. Unfortunately all the ideas we pursued didn't pan out and almost everyone moved on to the next part of their life in the months after the fire.


There are two tenants still living in the dorm, Lisa Pepin and Matthew Carr. I am 9-11 months into the processes of evicting them, with 75% confidence I'll have them out 2-8 months from now. For context, the average length of an eviction in MA is 4-6 months without an appeal or delaying tactics. There are also up to half a dozen 2-6 week delays available, and an appeal automatically adds an additional 2+ months, both regardless of merit. They have declined offers including $5-30k in cash, moving expenses, and/or vehicles, from myself and from interested buyers of the property. They are collectively about $17k behind on what they owe me, about $8k of which they are already under court order to repay. I am currently legally required to provide utilities including heat to a 15 bedroom building for the two of them, as well as to continue maintaining the whole building including vacant bedrooms and private bathrooms. I am far behind on those costs, and they far exceed my income. Matthew's eviction has gotten to a judgment and past the reconsideration delays, and now we're going into the appeal process. With Lisa, I got a default judgment when she didn't show up for trial after giving the court short notice of a doctor's appointment, then she got another judge to undo that decision, and then when we finally got to trial a second time the judge noted that I didn't put her bedroom number (the one effectively destroyed by the fire) on the eviction notice so he was dismissing the case and I had to start all over. That second attempt is currently at the early stage where she gets ~45 days to prepare for a mandatory mediation session.


My attempts to sell the property have been stymied a few different ways. First by the manor fire and nature of the property. I was able to resolve that somewhat effectively by subdividing the property so the value proposition of each piece is much more straightforward, and this attracted multiple offers in a very short span once the new listings went up. Second, the presence of non-paying tenants who refuse to leave. I'm working on that in housing court as described above. Third…


A man named Lee Jundanian has brought a civil suit against me to force me to sell him the property and prevent me from selling it to anyone else. He's also demanding what might be hundreds of thousands of dollars in damages. We had a contract for him to buy the property, a sale that was due to close in August of 2024. He has refused to close ever since then, only responding with new attempts to renegotiate the contract. In the fall of 2024, his outstanding contract scared my agent away from accepting new offers or re-listing the property. Now his lawsuit means that no title insurance company will insure a sale, so no mortgage company will lend on it. While a pure cash buyer with a tolerance for legal risk could still buy part or all of the property, that is unlikely. I was a week from closing one sale and two months from closing another when he locked the property up, and those deals are now falling through. I am pursuing a few legal strategies that have some chance of unlocking the property in ~1 or ~9 months, but more likely I will need to endure 18+ months to the end of that trial before I can get a judge to terminate that contract. The faint bright spot at the end of that long tunnel is that I am counterclaiming against him for my own hundreds of thousands of dollars in damages, which increase every month the trial goes on. I may have to doubly break the corporate veil to effectively collect on a judgement of that size, which would take additional years.


The second time I found that one of the tenants (Lisa) had moved into someone else's bedroom without permission or even telling anyone, and with the local police declining to "get involved in a civil matter", I physically removed her from the room. This allowed her to get a restraining order against me. This has made it difficult for me to manage the property; now I'm having to hire people to do simple things in the dormitory, and next week I'm going to have to spend $400 to hire a cop to escort me in so I can meet a health inspector. I'm pretty sure the part of the domestic violence law that led to the order is a violation of the MA constitution; there's no way I have less right to defend my property from trespass just because I live there. I'm appealing that order, but the courts are letting her delay that process by months as well. There's a chance the order will expire before the whole appeal process finishes, but I'll still see it through regardless.


If you're local and want me out of town, the fastest way to make that happen would be to help resolve one of the problems described above so that I can leave sooner. If you just want excuses to keep complaining, feel free to sit back and enjoy the show.


I lost my job in September of last year. I was spending too much time dealing with problems at home, and when the sale failed to close in August I wasn't able to keep my commitments to put more time into work. It took about two months to get approved for unemployment benefits, during which time I also couldn't get approved for other public benefits, so that was a really tough time. I have about 10 weeks of unemployment benefits left now, so those tough times are on the horizon again. The effort and stress for everything going on has made it infeasible for me to take on new full time work, so I've mostly been pursuing gigs that haven't panned out. Fortunately I'm finally making some headway on interviews for a "real job", and there's a decent chance I'll find work in the next couple of months. It's going to take a very rapid transition to turn money from a new job into an ability to stop spending all my time on the problems here at home; fortunately just a couple of paychecks will be enough to retain an attorney for the civil lawsuit, and less than that would hire one for the evictions.


I've also been working on re-launching my CoDwell project, which was one of my efforts to acquire property for a large coliving intentional community before I succeeded with the est8. There's a lot more details on that on the project website at http://CoDwell.org. The short version is that I want to buy an old boarding school near Portland OR and have 5-10 intentional community groups with different focuses (permaculture, maker, coparent/homeschool, etc) all share the property and use its amenities. I'm going to be spending the next 6-12 months finding people and money to try that project idea again.


As soon as I can disentangle myself even partially from the property in MA, I'll be headed west. Maybe a short or long road trip. Maybe aiming for Portland or SF initially or for a while. Lots of variables there. Get in touch if you want updates on more personal matters like health, family, relationships, work, etc. Especially if have novel ideas related to anything above. Otherwise, I hope to have more time in the coming year to visit and catch up with friends and acquaintances.

sparr: (Default)
2024-06-23 11:03 am
Entry tags:

My next 18+ months

Estate of Mind

The Estate of Mind project is mostly wrapped up. We were struggling for a while, for lack of residents and money and engagement, but the structural fire plus the ensuing water damage to the manor was an irrecoverable final blow to our chances, and problematic residents provided the icing on that particularly painful cake. I tried to organize a plan to keep some people living here in the dorm and pine house under a new owner, but that didn't work out. As I write this, half of the residents have left, most of the ones remaining are in the process of moving out, and I'm between the beginning and middle of the ridiculously slow processes of evicting the last few.

I found some buyers who wanted to restore the manor, but they were unable to come up with investors or financing to get it done. I have accepted an offer from a buyer who intends to demolish the manor and build ~16 new houses on the property, each using historic elements preserved from the manor. The fireplaces, bar, stained glass windows, pipe organ, etc should all have a future here. This isn't the outcome I had hoped for, but it's better than I feared. If this offer goes through, I'll get enough money in August to satisfy my outstanding obligations and return donations that were made toward us repairing the house, and then more in 1-6 years as the new houses are sold. I intend to offer some shares of the proceeds to the people who tried to make this project a success, although the split nature of the payments means I'll have to get more creative with those offers than I've posted about previously. If this offer falls through, I'll be pursuing subdividing the property into three pieces (manor, dorm+house, forest), each of which will have a more obvious story and be a more straightforward business proposition to new owners, and I am confident I can sell at least two of those pieces in short order later this year.

Work

I am working for a startup that does online computer science classes for high schoolers, and some other markets adjacent to that. The day to day tasks are unfulfilling, but I love the mission and want to see this company succeed. If we are successful and the company grows, I hope I can dive deeper into my niche for more fulfilling projects as we hire more engineers.

They want me in an office in San Francisco or New York City (or maybe Los Angeles) most of the time. I followed through with my plans to drive to SF in March, but failed to relocate in April due to the fire and other problems back in MA. I'm overdue to meet their requirements, and this is motivating some of my current life choices. There's a chance their tolerance for the delays runs out before I can settle down, but hopefully not.

Summer and Autumn

It will take 2-6 more months to sell the property in MA, and probably that long to get at least mostly through the evictions. Once my own personal belongings are all off the property and all the bulky things have been disposed of, I can spend more time away from here. In the mean time, I'm spending most weekends in MA and most weekdays at the office in NYC, which is a bearable once-per-week commute from MA. I've been subletting or staying at a hostel, and may continue to do that, although I'm looking at some options measured in months instead of days. I'm also considering vehicle dwelling, although that seems less common in NYC than in other cities I've lived in. I'll stick to less permanent arrangements until things in MA are wrapped up.

I recently did a whirlwind tour of a few different events to see old friends, make new ones, do some social and project networking, lay some groundwork for moving and other future plans, etc. I have a few more similar plans later this summer. I intend to be in San Francisco before/after the weekends of July 19 and August 31 when I'll be at camping festivals a few hours north of the city. If you're going to either event, I'd love to hear from you and make plans to share logistics or a camp. If you'll be in the city, let's connect.

2025

In order of descending probability…

70% chance I'll be in San Francisco full time. As of right now SF has, by far, the largest and densest cluster of people I want to be around and who want to be around me. Work has an office here and the job market is strong if I need new work. All of my hobbies and communities have strong hubs here. I have multiple prospective romantic and intimate partners in that region, and it's the best environment I've found for seeking new such connections. I am familiar with the legal and real estate situations, as they bear on my future plans. This probability is going down as other probabilities go up, but so far it remains the clear leader.

20% chance I'll be in New York full time. I've always wanted to try living in NYC, but the timing was never right before. This chance was near zero until recently, but between new friends, discovering events and communities, exploring the city while working, and the potential to work in the city, it has rapidly increased. I expect it will continue to go up over the next couple of months, although it would probably take some outlying surprises (e.g. a new romantic partner or job) to fully tip the scales.

3% chance I'll be west of Portland Oregon. The boarding high school I pursued three years ago may be available again. Interest from friends and strangers in some version of that project has increased since I last pursued it, and I will be better equipped and experienced to make it happen this time around. I still dream of that property and the projects and events that could happen there.

2% chance I'll be in Puna, Hawaii. The property I pursued there with a dozen cabins and adjacent fresh laval flow may also be available again. As with the Oregon property, there's more interest and ability to make that project happen now than there was three years ago. I discovered last time that getting people to visit and move to Hawaii is significantly easier than almost any other remote location.

The remaining 5% is an assortment of unrelated possibilities that would take some exceptional changes in circumstances to bring about. Friends keep asking me to buy property together in Central America. I could end up with a partner who wants me to move overseas with them. I could be stuck in MA indefinitely if something goes very wrong with the property here. I could retire and backpack around Europe for a few months or years. I could find a dream property somewhere else in the US and manage to put together money and people to turn it into a project that I'm not already planning. I could …


Regardless of *where* I end up, there's also the question of what I'll be doing with my time and how I'll be living. Some of the locations and specific properties come with answers to that question, but it's mostly open. I might go back to vehicle dwelling, live a mobile life again for a while, explore and have fun. I might get an apartment or house, for just me or with a partner. I might join an existing coliving community; I might know a dozen who would accept me for at least a trial period, and there are hundreds more in my target locations that I could apply to. I might start a new coliving project again, something small or large. Or I might do something entirely unexpected. These possibilities will remain in flux probably until I commit to a location, and possibly for a while after. A lot of them depend on specific circumstances coming about, such as meeting the right people, or the right property being available, etc. Some of them could last for months, while others would hopefully last for years. I look forward to whichever way this works out.

Beyond

Given my history of moving mostly every 3-5 years as an adult, there's a decent chance that whatever I do in 2025 is what I'll be doing for a few years afterward as well. Alternately, if 2025 is something temporary, 2026 would even more likely be something that lasts at least a few years, and probably from a very similar list of possibilities. Of course, all of that can change as life throws surprises my way, so watch this space for wildly different plans if that comes to pass.



sparr: (Default)
2021-05-16 08:54 am

The unexpected price of being an awkward houseguest

Today’s insight into my analysis of interpersonal risk and reward involves being a houseguest, a differently intimate sort of interaction than I usually focus on. I am hopeful that this different context for what is really the same issue will help someone understand it who previously hasn’t.


Sam and I took a flight together. Upon landing, Sam invited me to crash at Pat’s place. I trust Sam, so even though I’ve only met Pat once before and they weren’t there to welcome me, I accepted, and went to sleep in one of Pat’s guest rooms. Come morning, Sam was gone and incommunicado, but might have been back later. Pat was around, and we greeted each other. I asked if I could stick around for a few hours to do my day job. So far this is a perfectly normal experience in terms of friends and +1s crashing at each other’s homes, one I’ve been on both sides of multiple times in the past, and I think most of my friends will recognize.


Pat’s response was “I need to get [the guest part of the house] reset for an airbnb guest and then I have to leave soon”, and then they turned away from me and back to making their coffee. That was where everything went off the rails, both in terms of common expected responses, and in terms of my personal [perception of] risk in proceeding. It’s that risk that I want to walk you through next.


I predicted a 20% chance that Pat wanted me to leave and an 80% chance that they’d have been fine with me working in a different part of the house while they were gone and I was waiting for Sam to come back. Further, in the case where they wanted me to leave I predict a 50% chance they would give me a straight answer if I asked and a 50% chance they would take my followup as creating enough social pressure or obligation for them to let me stay even though they wanted me to go. And in that worst 10% case, there’s a decent chance that they would tell someone, and a small chance that person either repeats it badly or are themselves the sort of person to take misleading irresponsible leaps in paraphrasing communication, and a bunch of other factors and weightings that I can elaborate on if necessary… All of which leads to my probabilistic prediction that this choice would lead to about five people being told for the first time, and perhaps hundred more not for the first time, that [TRIGGER WARNING, this is about to take an unexpectedly intense turn] I am a rapist. And since that is an outcome I would prefer to avoid, I packed up and left the house.

Now Sam thinks I’m weird and awkward and ignorant of social norms and unable to read interpersonal signals, or at least a bit more of those things than they already thought, and is less likely to invite me to their friends’ homes. I knew that outcome would happen, and nothing about it surprises me. If I had a dollar for every time someone accused me of missing signals that I didn’t miss… I wouldn’t need to borrow nearly so much to buy a house.

What I need from you is either to convince me that I’m wrong in my predictions, or in my weighting of the harm/benefit of the various outcomes, or to stop being and/or associating with the people who do the game-of-telephone thing and mis-judging of these and other sorts of situations and all the other cognitive failures that have led to this state of affairs.

sparr: (Default)
2021-03-10 11:05 am

Rapid fire status update

Moved to Hawaii for at least 7 months, got a house with guest rooms in Kailua-Kona.
Shelved the CoDwell project indefinitely, refunded investments.
Started a job at Google as a software engineer.
Working on buying 75-450 acres near Hilo or Pahoa for living, gardening, friends visiting, strangers camping, community building, makery pursuits.
Stepping away from Loophole management permanently.
Learned to snorkel, swam with manta rays, saw volcanos, and did dozens of miles of bushwhacking and at least a hundred of hiking in the last four weeks.
sparr: (Default)
2019-11-18 12:06 pm

The outcome of being rejected by default.

 Over the last few days and weeks someone close to me has indulged my need for deeper conversation about my behavior and led me to realize something that I've been doing for a while but had not previously nailed down.
 
People often tell me "If you do X thing, you make it unlikely the other person will interact with you again, heed your future advice, etc, and thus reduce your overall success rate in your goals".
 
Ten or twenty years ago I wasn't as much of an asshole as I am today. I wasn't an asshole at all. I don't think I did or said a single thing to anyone in high school that would be described as unfriendly. I can't recall ever driving someone away during college. Moving into adult life, the trend was mostly the same as I started socializing at video game events and geeky conventions.
 
What I do recall is being a social outcast, being bullied, being made fun of, being ignored (at best) by the people I was attracted to, etc. Some of this was due to not being attractive. Some was due to being neuroatypical. Some was due to being short, or white, or always the new kid at school, or other factors outside my control.
 
I think the turning point was when I started taking on responsibility for accomplishing things. I volunteered, then staffed, then directed various events of various sizes. Based on my previous experience, I knew that no matter what I did, most of the people I interacted with would choose not to interact with me again, to ignore what I had to say, etc. This left me making decisions where that variable wasn't relevant; I knew that whether people were happy with my decisions or not wouldn't change how they responded to me personally or in the future.
 
That led to me making decisions where the decision itself made people respond in those ways. As far as they know, it was my decision and action that led to that outcome, and if they are capable of perceiving cause and effect they perceive this as a divergence from the default neutral outcome they would have expected.
 
At this point I have a decade of ingrained habit of basing my world view on this prediction. No matter what I do, people are going to avoid me, disengage from me, ignore my feedback, etc. That means that nothing I do is going to cause those outcomes, even if someone might perceive that to be the case. It means that when someone tells me my efforts are "net negative", they are probably comparing the observed outcome to their default predicted outcome based on neutral default reactions, while I am perceiving my efforts as net positive compared to the default negative outcome.
 
What has changed in the last few years is that I might have an opportunity to surround myself with people who might actually be welcoming IF I behave the way I did twenty years ago. What stops me from doing this is the uncertain timeframe, and my confidence in the continued negative outcomes along the way to that goal. Is it worth a year or a decade of going back to the default-negative results in order to eventually be surrounded by people with whom I have a default-neutral outcome?
sparr: (Default)
2019-09-02 01:44 pm

A Week Back East

 A Week Back East
 
I did not attend Burning Man this year, because Victoria is stuck in Toronto and I've discovered that I don't like attending big events alone. Instead, I decided to visit Victoria and other friends and partners on the east coast. I discovered later that some friends would have wanted me to go to BM with them, and was also invited to some alternative events that I didn't previously know about, but the decision was already made.
 
First stop, Savannah GA, to visit a comet partner of mine. Thursday night I flew from San Francisco to Charlotte for a short layover before flying to Savannah. At least, that was the plan. The flight into Charlotte was slow to land and slow to taxi to the gate due to weather, leaving me just minutes to sprint across the concourse to catch my next flight. I made it as they were announcing last call. A few minutes later the captain announced we were being delayed for weather. A half hour later some of our flight crew had still not arrived on incoming flights. After two hours on the plane (the legal limit), they told us our flight was canceled. Of course, this was just after midnight so all the hotel websites had just switched over to refusing to allow reservations or give vacancy information for the night. I walked off the plane to the sight of a hundred people in line to speak to a single gate agent. Fortunately the automated system called and informed me I had been rebooked for morning within minutes, but I still needed to talk to a human about a hotel. I called customer service and got in their queue, and spent a while standing in the barely-moving line in the terminal. I eventually gave up and left to have breakfast and find a hotel on my own.
 
First stop was a Waffle House, which is my favorite destination for filling food in the middle of the night if I'm in the right part of the country. Then I started the slog through dewy grass and mud (of course, in the land of no sidewalks, and few street lights so walking in the road wasn't even remotely safe) to check the dozen nearby hotels. In the half hour of meandering to six hotels I managed to get through to two on the phone, striking out eight times. I lucked out with number nine, an extended stay chain I had never heard of. The room was very much a one star sort of experience, but the linens smelled clean and the shower worked and that's all I really cared about. As I got in the shower before bed, an hour and forty six minutes after I called them, I finally won the privilege of speaking to an airline representative on the phone. I told them I was too sleepy to deal with the problem and that I would contact them later, then I showered and went to sleep. (note: I actually took a break from writing at this point to go send my complaint to American Airlines)
 
Friday morning went pretty smoothly, getting to Savannah on time on the rebooked flight. I took an hourly bus from the airport to my hotel, where my partner from GA had already checked in the previous night (and very disappointingly spent it without me). Friday afternoon we went out to see a bit of downtown Savannah. We found a wonderful little bookstore built into an old house, with every nook and cranny filled with bookshelves. Then we had burgers and alligator meatballs and some other unremarkable things for lunch. That evening we met a friend of hers and their date who was through an amazing coincidence also visiting from the west coast, and the four of us had dinner at a very tourist-trap-y place called the Crab Shack, right on the water somewhere in the maze of creeks and rivers near the swampy parts of the shore. We ordered a three person platter after one of them warned that the four person platter would be too much. That was fortunate, because what we got was still far more than we could eat. I haven't had crawfish in years, or locally caught shrimp and crab either. The meal was good, we waved to the captive alligators, then we headed back into town. The nightcap was a very loud rooftop bar at another hotel, with karaoke we could barely talk over, then a walk along the riverfront and an attempt to ride a ferry which we could have taken the last trip of the night on if we wanted to get stranded on the far side.
 
Saturday morning we went to the smallest farmer's market I've ever seen, maybe 30 vendors with the full variety of what you might expect at such a place. Unlike the abysmal airport bus service, the downtown area has two free bus routes which served us well. Later we drove around a bit farther from downtown, saw some sights, and did laundry at her house where through bad timing I met her roommate's girlfriend but not her roommate. Then for the evening we saw a drag show at Club One, famous as the home of the Lady Chablis who you might know through the book and movie "Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil".
 
Sunday we had brunch at an amazing Cuban restaurant (Rancho Alegre) and spent most of the day in our hotel room. That evening I borrowed a bicycle from the hotel and did a little touristing on my own. With no bike lanes and not enough sidewalks it was a harrowing experience even in the light traffic, and not an experience I would recommend except to capable cyclists. I harassed a drive-thru that refused to serve me, then had some other local fast food, while wandering around and reading plaques about various historical people and events, mostly antebellum and civil war related, which was about the last time Savannah was relevant on the national stage.
 
Monday morning I said goodbye and made my way back to the airport, again on that once-an-hour bus which meant spending about an hour longer at the airport than I'd have liked. The flight to Charlotte was uneventful, as was the layover and ensuing flight to Boston. Once there I rented a car to make the 90 minute drive to what Boston residents might call "Western Mass" but everyone else calls "Boston suburbs". This was to visit a friend who is homebound due to illness and had posted online "I'm too tired to correspond and coordinate visitors; just show up". I was worried this wasn't meant for me, but I took a chance a few weeks earlier on sending them "If you don't reply to say no, I'll show up" to which they didn't reply. I helped them with some grocery shopping and some packing to move closer to their support network, had some chat about old times and our lives, met one of their other local friends, then departed. (note: taking a break here to go buy a nifty tiny bluetooth keyboard+touchpad that I saw them use and thought would be as useful for my home theater as it is for their inability to reach the computer from bed)
 
Monday evening had one of the highlights of the trip. 4-7 years ago when I lived near Boston, Artisan's Asylum was the only big public makerspace. It set a shining example in a lot of ways, but was also lacking in other ways. Around the time of my departure, some alternatives were starting to spring up in different niches and locations. One of which was the Worcshop, so named due to being located in Worcester which is way out in cheap real estate land ~45 minutes west of the city. An old friend teaches metalwork classes there but unfortunately I wasn't able to connect with him this time around. Fortunately a few folks were around including one of their general staff who gave me a tour. It was amazing. The tour started with half a dozen smaller rooms of various uses, sewing and 3d printing and general crafts and such, all of which would make a passable small makerspace in a city. Then came the punchline, their metal shop which appeared to be about 10k square feet of high ceiling warehouse. I won't bore most of you with a list of tools here, you can find that on their website if you like. Suffice it to say that it was the most well equipped non-private-commercial metal shop I've ever seen by an order of magnitude, and arranged in the "cluttered and densely packed where it doesn't matter but with clear paths to every tool and every work station" way that I love. I left with a brochure and membership pricing details to potentially take advantage of on my next visit, which might sound weird but will make sense when you read what comes next.
 
Two years ago on a visit to Boston a friend asked me to put them on track to having a bondage suspension tripod for their bedroom. I acquired some heavy duty steel pipe for them and pointed them at instructions for joining the apex with rope, in the same way you might lash bamboo traditionally. Unfortunately they were never comfortable with this approach so the materials languished. On a visit since then I re-measured one of the pieces so that I might fabricate a solution back home, but I never got around to it. This time, things would be different. That friend gave me a couch to sleep on Friday night, after I spent some time watching Blunt Talk with a gaggle of their friends. If you haven't heard of it, think "30 Rock" with Patrick Stewart playing the lead.
 
Tuesday morning I took the pipes and went hardware shopping. The first Home Depot I went to. where I had bought the pipes years earlier, had the fittings I needed but had given up their pipe threading station. This was unfortunate because the new plan called for the pipes to have both ends threaded, not just one as I had left them previously. A helpy associate sent me to a nearby store who should have had pipe threading capabilities except it turned out that their pipe cutting station was torn apart for electrical upgrades and the associate there couldn't be bothered to roll the pipe cutter over to the wood cutting area where there was the right kind of power available. So off I went to a local commercial plumbing supplier facility, the sort where pipes usually come out by the truckload, with my handful of pipes in need of just being threaded. For the low price of $15 per pipe end, $90 total (one end on each of the long pipes and the short cutoff extensions I had made previously) they got the job done.
 
Then I was ready to head over to Artisan's Asylum (https://artisansasylum.com/). I was a member there for years and saw a lot of people I knew and a lot of new faces. I had arranged in advance to purchase a day pass and to coordinate with the metal shop steward about any changes in tooling or procedures since I had been there last. Unfortunately the pipe threading shenanigans had cost me a couple of hours, so I had to break to do my day job at that point. Fortunately they have comfy chairs, good wifi, cold water, and friendly faces, so that wasn't too bad. On my lunch break and after work I was able to proceed with my plan. I spent a few hours in the metal shop turning three pipe elbows and some bar stock into a head for the tripod and gave it to her that afternoon. I look forward to hearing tales of its use.
 
Tuesday evening I had announced a dinner at a restaurant in my old neighborhood, open to anyone who wanted to catch up with me. I went in fearing nobody would show up, and was delighted as about ten people came and went during the three hours I had set aside for dinner then ice cream nearby. A lot of seemingly sincere hugs were shared, and reminiscing was had by all. I caught them all up on what I've been up to, and heard tales of what's been happening in Boston in my absence. I also made tentative plans to visit some folks more specifically and intentionally in the future, including a friend who recently bought a house in Rhode Island and is planning exciting things down there. Without calling out anything I did with anyone in particular, I do want to make note that this was not only the first time in my life that a woman has spontaneously invited me to share her bed when we weren't already currently recurringly intimate, but that it happened twice. It never rains but it pours, I guess.
 
Wednesday morning was breakfast with a friend on their way to work, doing my day job, then some thrift and mall shopping in search of full size luggage. While I normally only travel with a carryon, or sometimes even just a backpack, this trip I knew in advance that I needed to take a mannequin body home from Toronto and found out with less notice that I was being gifted 200m of retired climbing rope in Boston. I ended up getting something new from the mall, time will tell if it was worth it. I made my flight with plenty of time to spare and was in Toronto later that evening.
 
Arrival in Toronto was a new experience. Previously, traveling from and to San Francisco, I used the big airport outside the city. This time I got to experience the tiny commercial airport on an island right next to downtown Toronto. If you ever have the chance, I recommend flying into Billy Bishop Toronto City Airport (YTZ). Due to some outdated signage, predating the digging of a pedestrian tunnel from the airport to the city, I ended up on the most ridiculous ferry. "Take the scenic route – the 90-second trip is among the world’s shortest ferry rides". Due to the existence of the tunnel, the three-story 100+ passenger ferry was a ghost town, but it would cost so much to make it smaller due to the connection to the terminal walkways being on the top floor. After making landfall yet again it was a quick car ride to Victoria's house.
 
Thursday I hung out with Victoria, did my day job, and spent a little time volunteering at the nearby location of the Toronto Tool Library. Victoria joined and started volunteering at the desk there recently, and apparently convinced them that I could help with tool repair. I showed up without her when she was running late due to a delay at work and introduced myself. The fellow at the desk showed me around and explained their intake process, then set me loose on incoming tools. My instructions were straightforward: take each new tool, test anything that I thought was important for functional and/or safety reasons, label good tools and sort them into categories, spend not-too-much time trying to do repairs on any obvious failures, and scrap anything beyond repair or too old to be worth dealing with. I spent half my time there chatting with the other volunteers, including Victoria, and the other half fixing a few tools. There was a sander with the brushes stuck against the commutator due to sawdust gumming up the springs behind the brushes, fixed by taking the brush housings apart to clean and lube them. Then there was a circular saw making an awful noise in use, which after a few dis-and-re-assemblies without finding a problem anywhere in the motor housing turned out to have absolutely no grease in the gearbox that we hadn't even noticed in our initial assessments. Unfortunately what was probably months to years of intermittent use in that condition had worn the gears down enough that adding grease didn't silence it, but it was good enough to put into circulation. I told the folks there that I would probably be back on a future visit; I love getting my hands dirty, fixing tools, and helping a good cause all at the same time.
 
Friday after work we went out for dinner and then to Oasis Aqualounge, one of the nicest and best equipped kinky and sexy play spaces I've ever seen. In addition to enough furniture and padded areas for at least a few dozen couples to be doing their thing separately, spread across three floors and ten rooms of an old victorian mansion, they also have a well equipped dungeon space with about 8 stations of various sorts, a sauna, a hot tub, a heated outdoor pool, two cash bars, and a private room that can be reserved for couples or moresomes in two hour blocks without additional cost. We went on a night that did not allow single men, which seemed to produce a mostly-couples atmosphere with not a lot of swinging or hooking up that I could see. When we arrived in the early evening the space was sparsely populated and we had our choice of rooms and stations. We left closer to midnight as the space was becoming much busier but looked like it had not come even close to peaking yet. I will definitely visit again when I am in Toronto.
 
Early Saturday morning I flew back to SF. I managed to snag a whole 4-seat row to myself on the plane and was able to lay down to sleep through most of the flight. I got back with plenty of time to prepare for the first outing with an escape room team I've recently joined, but that's another story for another time.
 
Overall this was one of the busiest and most enjoyable vacation / travel / seeing-friends trips I've taken, perhaps second only to the two weeks Victoria and I spent in Europe last year. I will repeat many parts of it on future trips, and am looking forward to the next time I can go this many places in a short time.

sparr: (Default)
2019-08-07 08:39 pm

Two years with Victoria

I recently celebrated the one year anniversary of my marriage to Victoria, which is also pretty close to the two year anniversary of us doing something that you might label dating if you squint and tilt your head a little. My life has never been uninteresting, but the ride has gotten even more exciting recently, mostly thanks to her. We don't always get along, and we aren't always interested in the same things, but all the rest of the times are pretty darn good. When I started this writing challenge recently and asked myself "what's been happening in your life recently that's worth writing about?", she easily made the top of the list.
 
She has inspired me to travel more. My first trip to Europe, or outside the US at all, was early last year. In theory the trip started out for work, but I wouldn't have gone at all if it didn't present an opportunity to go places and see sights and do things with her. Even before the trip, the experience of planning all the stops and travel along the way was refreshing compared to similar attempts in the past with other friends and partners. When our styles differed, we could both get things done. When they meshed, even more so. After we started the trip separately for logistical reasons we met up in Amsterdam for my work thing. Then we made a mostly predetermined path to Berlin, Prague, and Rome over the course of two weeks. There were planned activities and spontaneous wanderings and midnight bike rides along the way, most of which worked out delightfully. And when I felt the urge to sit in the hotel room for a whole day playing video games, she was happy to take the day to herself and explore the city alone. I suspect some manuals on the care and feeding of introverts could take notes from her.
 
Now she is out of the country for a while and my desire to see her, as well as her influence on my desire to see new cities, has me traveling again. I've recently been to Toronto for the first time, which is where she has spent most of her life. And I'm going again soon, with stops along the way in places I've never been. I've always wanted to get out and see the world more, but never quite got over the initial hurdles until she came around to give me the push that I needed. I look forward to seeing how this develops and where we and I go in the future.
 
We have done more substantial things together than I have with any previous partner. Don't get me wrong, I've had plenty of fun before, but never anything that really made an impact. That's all changed now. Although I founded Buspatch on my own before we met, she really helped it come alive when she moved in and joined me in managing it. Without her, it might never have gotten into good enough shape to hand off the reins and let it survive after my departure. Together our influence and creativity and steering have gotten Loophole off the ground in a way I never could have alone. This house is doing things I've been inspired to do for a decade but never quite figured out how, and she's a big part of whatever missing puzzle pieces were standing in my way before. She has even given me small pushes toward creative and social projects that I've had simmering in the back of my mind for years and might actually see the light of day soon, or even the inside of a digital shopping cart somewhere if we're lucky.
 
She has provided an eager ear for many of the things I am passionate and/or knowledgeable about, and she soaks up information like a sponge. Not everything sticks, but she's always ready to try again or learn something new when it's topical or someone is just feeling the urge to share. She has also jumped into the role of a social filter for me on various occasions, trying to give me insight into other people's thoughts or them mine. This is often invaluable, and a welcome addition to my life.
 
I look forward to seeing where our relationship goes next, figuratively or literally. I hope that she is getting as much out of it as I am. Time will tell, I guess.
sparr: (Default)
2018-12-20 05:54 pm

State of the Sparr, December 2018

It has been far too long since I posted a general update of the state and progress of my life, and I am joining a number of new (and long-ignored) social networks so this seems like a way to catch up quickly.

Currently I am working at HotSchedules, a restaurant management SAAS platform. I am living in a space that I co-founded, called Loophole, in SF, with 8-11 other people and that is going decently so far. I am slowly getting out of the vehicle-owning business, aiming to keep just one big bus for road trips and parties. Some vehicles I have sold, some I have given away, some have seen unfortunate ends. Marriage is going well enough, we are making some progress on her immigration paperwork, and I will soon reap the tax benefits (~$7k?) for the first time. I am going to fewer regional burns and big kink events, more big public and private festivals / retreats / parties. I continue to make small steps towards starting projects of significant scale or scope, and then give up out of lack of motivation. That's about all for now; below are some highlights (and lowlights) for the last five years:
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sparr: (cellular automata)
2017-03-04 01:47 pm

Memories and 11-year-old Sparr

Found while organizing old documents, a folder labeled "Memories". Some of the contents:

The tickets from my first trip by plane.

Various holiday cards from friends and family.

The unopened invitations to my sister's college graduation and two old friends' wedding.

The letter sent to me by my mother just after she won custody of myself and my sister, before we moved to live with her.

The letter sent to me by my father just after we moved to live with my mother.

A couple of school assignments to transcribe a poem from a book and add color/art, probably including the first and last time I ever tried to draw a bird.

A long letter from my aunt when I was 15, about my impending early graduation.

A few pages from a journal I was required to keep as part of a class when I was 11 years old, with writing prompts, as follows:

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