I am shy. No, really.
Oct. 1st, 2015 02:59 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sparrI'm one of the more shy people that you know. Most of the people who see or hear me make this claim, probably including yourself, are incredulous. That goes double for people who have spent a significant amount of time around me, but with whom I don't have a close personal relationship. This is because most of the people that I interact with on a regular basis have a strongly filtered view of me. I interact with most of you mostly in environments where one of a few mitigating factors come into play. Outside of those environments I'm the typical socially awkward and mal-adjusted loner geek, and most of the world falls into that category.
The more of the people around me that I already know, the easier it is for me to interact with the people they are interacting with, because I have a fallback when those attempts fail, and I know that the other person does as well. Put me in a room with 10 friends and 1 stranger and I can easily talk to the stranger along with my friends. If I fail to connect with the stranger, we're both still conversing with the other person/people.
The stronger I am guaranteed to have a mutually appreciated conversational topic with the people around me, the less shy I will appear in that situation. This comes into play mostly at conventions and topic-focused events. If I walk into a room and the context makes me certain that everyone in the room enjoys some specific activity, then I can sit down with a random stranger and start/join a conversation with them about that activity. This most commonly applies to gaming, especially some specific game, technical maker stuff, especially a particular craft or project, and kinky activities.
The closer I am to the "top of the food chain" regarding the topic of the event, the more confident I am in starting and driving a conversation on that topic. If I'm the best person in the room at origami, shibari, coding, problem solving, etc, and that topic is one that most people in the room are interested in, then not only can I confidently start conversations on the topic, but I am even more comfortable when I can do so in the context of demonstrating my proficiency.
Most people who will read this have rarely encountered me in a situation where these factors don't apply. More so, and not coincidentally, I tend to do a lot of my socialization in environments where two or even all three of these factors are in play. Put me in a room where I know most of the people, where everyone is certainly interested in a particular topic, and where I'm the best at demonstrating, or most knowledgeable in discussing, that topic, and that's where I shine. Many of you have mostly only seen me in those contexts, and that's why you don't believe me when I say I'm shy. You've seen me not just not at my normal and worst, but usually only at my very best. This trend is self-reinforcing, and I hope to eventually break out of it. For now, I remain the guy in the corner on his phone at the club, afraid to interrupt any group conversation or bother someone by trying to start one, when it's more likely than not that the attempt will not be welcome or appreciated.
I hope that by writing this, I have gotten my mind working on some ideas to overcome the problem. I hope that some of the people reading this might have ideas that I haven't thought of, or suggestions of ways to turn these known factors to my advantage in other situations. I hope that a few of the people reading this might use this information to our mutual advantage when we are in public together. If all of those things come to pass, this will have been a very worthwhile exercise. If none, then at least I've got this written down for future reference when people are trying to figure out what makes me tick.
PS: Sexual tension is not a large factor here. The difference between trying to start a conversation with one woman and trying to start/join a conversation with five guys is not significant on the scale of these other factors. It's not a non-issue, but it's small enough and distinct enough that it doesn't fit here and might be worth its own post. Social issues of pressure and consent to social interactions initiated by men will be part of that post.
The more of the people around me that I already know, the easier it is for me to interact with the people they are interacting with, because I have a fallback when those attempts fail, and I know that the other person does as well. Put me in a room with 10 friends and 1 stranger and I can easily talk to the stranger along with my friends. If I fail to connect with the stranger, we're both still conversing with the other person/people.
The stronger I am guaranteed to have a mutually appreciated conversational topic with the people around me, the less shy I will appear in that situation. This comes into play mostly at conventions and topic-focused events. If I walk into a room and the context makes me certain that everyone in the room enjoys some specific activity, then I can sit down with a random stranger and start/join a conversation with them about that activity. This most commonly applies to gaming, especially some specific game, technical maker stuff, especially a particular craft or project, and kinky activities.
The closer I am to the "top of the food chain" regarding the topic of the event, the more confident I am in starting and driving a conversation on that topic. If I'm the best person in the room at origami, shibari, coding, problem solving, etc, and that topic is one that most people in the room are interested in, then not only can I confidently start conversations on the topic, but I am even more comfortable when I can do so in the context of demonstrating my proficiency.
Most people who will read this have rarely encountered me in a situation where these factors don't apply. More so, and not coincidentally, I tend to do a lot of my socialization in environments where two or even all three of these factors are in play. Put me in a room where I know most of the people, where everyone is certainly interested in a particular topic, and where I'm the best at demonstrating, or most knowledgeable in discussing, that topic, and that's where I shine. Many of you have mostly only seen me in those contexts, and that's why you don't believe me when I say I'm shy. You've seen me not just not at my normal and worst, but usually only at my very best. This trend is self-reinforcing, and I hope to eventually break out of it. For now, I remain the guy in the corner on his phone at the club, afraid to interrupt any group conversation or bother someone by trying to start one, when it's more likely than not that the attempt will not be welcome or appreciated.
I hope that by writing this, I have gotten my mind working on some ideas to overcome the problem. I hope that some of the people reading this might have ideas that I haven't thought of, or suggestions of ways to turn these known factors to my advantage in other situations. I hope that a few of the people reading this might use this information to our mutual advantage when we are in public together. If all of those things come to pass, this will have been a very worthwhile exercise. If none, then at least I've got this written down for future reference when people are trying to figure out what makes me tick.
PS: Sexual tension is not a large factor here. The difference between trying to start a conversation with one woman and trying to start/join a conversation with five guys is not significant on the scale of these other factors. It's not a non-issue, but it's small enough and distinct enough that it doesn't fit here and might be worth its own post. Social issues of pressure and consent to social interactions initiated by men will be part of that post.