What to do when my questions indicate I'm more informed than you think?

[sparr]

There is a recurring failure mode in my communication with people, particularly around sensitive and divisive topics. You make some statements at least partially establishing a position on the topic in question. I ask some questions about the specifics of your position or ideas. This leads you to think that I am uninformed about the topic. This is where the conversation starts to go off the rails, because the reality is often that I am so much more informed about the topic that I know about alternative positions that you don't. I need to distinguish between those positions that you aren't considering at all in order to understand which position is yours.

Perhaps some examples will be helpful.

I ask what you believe gets someone into heaven. You think this means I'm ignorant about Christianity, and that "everyone" "knows" "the" answer to this question. Instead, it's actually based on my already knowing that different sects have different beliefs on this point, and my goal is to find out which sect(s) you might align with.

I ask whether some action or scenario demonstrates racism or sexism. You think this means I don't know what those words mean. It actually indicates that I know that different definitions aren't consistent with each other, and I want to narrow down and better understand your belief.

I ask what model of intimate consent you subscribe to. You think this means I'm uninformed about the nature of consent. Instead, it's based on my already being well informed about a wide variety of often contradictory such models that people use to define [non]consent.

In every such case, your response gives me a strong indication that you might not be aware of the existence of those other groups who share your labels and language but disagree with you on critical aspects of your beliefs.

I have tried simply couching my questions in assurances of my existing understanding. I have tried enumerating some of the common answers as part of my question. I have tried asking these questions as soon as the uncertainty arises, or delaying them until much later in the conversation with the hope we are both able to retroactively reassess what was said when the context is provided later, and everywhere in between. I have tried never asking them at all, and simply leaving the conversation with far less knowledge of your position than you think you gave me.

I would like to be better at having these conversations. These are important topics, and we are all better off when more of us understand what's going on and can discuss and reach accords if not agreement. The outcomes of these conversations will continue to have significant impact on the social and living environments around me and that I establish and nurture in the future.

I'm not sure how to better approach these situations. I know that the most common solution is to just not have these conversations in the first place ("Never discuss politics or religion in polite company."). I would really like to be able to help others and myself make better decisions about all sorts of things, especially when they seem to want to engage on the subject. So I come to you, internet hive mind, crowd o' wisdom, my peeps... What do?